Dried Mackerel & Twine
by zedonkulouslybashful
Summary: A stray cat, the future Ser Pounce-a-Lot, recalls the strangest day of his life. Cameos of Morrigan, Sten, Leliana, Shale, F!Mahariel, Anders of course , and other surprise guests. Suggestive of Leliana/F!Mahariel. Rated T.


**Disclaimer**: These are borrowed, Bioware-owned characters.

**Prompt**: dragonage - k ink . live journal 2508 . ht ml? thread = 4441548 # t4441548

**Alternative title**: Confessions of a Stray Cat.

**Notes**: This is lulz-y, crack fic.

-1-

She had the most incredible yellow eyes. I've never seen anything like them. ...Black fur. ...Nice, fluffy tail. Sure, it was a bit matted, but I like 'em on the wide side, if you know what I mean. Anyway, the dame was in heat or something. So, I holler, "'Ey, Beautiful! You want to get to know each other a little better? Maybe spend sometime in the bushes? Eh? ...Hey, where you going?" It was like I was speaking a different language or something. Very weird.

Anyway, I track her a ways through the woods but, like magic or something, she's gone. Her scent was gone; I smelled humans and something I couldn't place, but no dame. And all I see is this skinny, pale, female human walking away from me...and this huge, dark, male GIANT coming toward me.

So I bolted up the nearest tree. Okay, fine, call me a "scaredy cat" but what the hell would you have done?

This giant, right, he's tall enough to reach up and grab me. From a tree! But what does he do? He takes out a pouch of something and unties it. Then, I swear this giant was a magician or something because, he made the twine dance! I know, right? So I try to grab it but it's dancing all over the place and...I lose my footing. Nailed the landing, of course, but then I feel the giant lifting me up...

This guy is WAY too big for me to take on. But, instead of eating me, he starts scritching me. He's getting the spots I generally persuade humans to get for me. Is this magi-giant a human? His skin is dark but his fur is white and tied in knots and his eyes are purple. I've never seen a human like that before...

-2-

Leliana combed her wet hair with her fingers as she walked back to camp. "How does Morrigan dry off and slip away so quickly?" she wondered. Fighting a tangle, she saw someone up ahead. "Morrigan?" she called.

The stranger didn't respond. She stopped in mid-stride. "Could that be another of Marjolaine's assassin?" She ducked behind a tree and rummaged in her pack for a dagger. Prepared now, she noiselessly approached, tree-to-tree, until she was in throwing range.

She pulled her arm back, squinted to aim, then, confused, tilted her head. "Is that...Sten? What is he- What does he hav-" She moved closer. "Oh-ho! Sten has made a friend!"

Leliana moved back to the trail and hummed as she passed Sten, who was still preoccupied with dangling some twine for the kitten he was holding. She coughed, Sten dropped the "evidence", and the kitten sped off.

She hummed some more, glanced at Sten, and beckoned him to walk with her. After a while she said, "I saw what you were doing back there."

"Oh?"

Droplets from her tossed hair landed on his exposed bicep. "Don't play innocent with me."

Sten wiped off his arm. "What are you talking about?"

"You." Her eyes sparkled mischievously as she said with a self-satisfied grin, "Playing with that kitten."

Sten paused then said, "...There was no kitten."

More droplets landed on his arm. "Sten, I saw you. You dangling a piece of twine for it."

He paused and again wiped his arm off, stalling. "I was helping it train."

She laughed and taunted, "You're a big softie!"

"We will never speak of this again," he breathed through his teeth.

In sight of camp, she bounded ahead and called over her shoulder, "Softie!"

Sten turned on his heel back to trail, leading to the bathing pool. "Helping it train..." he chastised himself and then sighed, "Where is that twine for my lavender..."

-3-

I can't read human writing very well. But the scratches on the sign post from my kind said that the humans called the place "Honnleath". The scratches also said the place was great for eating. Tons of birds, all the time. Just go to the center of town and look for the creepy statue covered in bird...stuff.

They were not kidding! That thing was cree-e-py. Felt like it was watching me or something... Strangely, though, it seemed to like it whenever I caught some dinner. They weren't kidding about that either. Tons of birds. Then the wind changed and they all flew off.

I thought I was smelling the bird shit but then I see these slimy, dead-looking human-like...things! They were coming out of the ground! I looked around all over; it was like the town was deserted. I thought to myself, "Disappearing beauty. A magi-giant. And now this? What the h-?"

Then, out of nowhere, a little female human let me in to her place and I tore through there as fast as I could. I know it was rude to not say thanks but I wanted as far away from those...things...as I could. She was running after me anyways, so I figured, if I didn't get eaten, there'd be time to be polite later. They were right on our tails!

-4-

Samahl spat in the emissary's face, wiping the creature's blood off of her blade with its fingers. She snarled, "Ma halam" at it then let its arm fall. Blood gurgled in its throat but no last spell came. It closed its eyes. Samahl smirked.

"Samahl!" Leliana called. She ignored her; Leli knew better than to call her that. "...Mahariel!" She looked up slowly and said, "Yes, emma Lath?"

"I think...we should...look in here," she panted, gesturing to the windmill's door.

Samahl looked at Sten and Morrigan for consensus. "Agreed," said Sten. "Fine...," sneered Morrigan.

-5-

So that smell I couldn't place? The whole house was full of it. Yet, I could tell, there was a dame in there somewhere. Mean, come on, I thought I might have just had my last meal. What's the harm in getting some tail while I'm at it? The little female human, I think her name was "Amalia", that was what the guy was hollering, anyway, she and I ran through the door in the back.

Lots of space to cut and run, so I did. Amalia was still following me but, if I found my soon-to-be lady friend, well, I'm a gentlecat. No need for Amalia to see that.

That smell is getting stronger and stronger, but then, so is the scent of the dame. I pass through this tingly barrier; the weird smell is gone and there is the most beautiful-lest dame I've ever seen. Her eyes are...just...

-6-

Morrigan morphed and gagged. She could smell two felines and one was definitely in heat. She sniffed. And Amalia. No darkspawn, she concluded. She felt a...presence...though. "I just love scout duty," she sighed. She morphed from a bear to a cat and crossed the barrier. "No need to make a scene, I suppose."

-7-

It's like I could hear her in my head! She looked away at something and I thought everything good had gone out of the world. I turned. Guess who it was. The yellow-eyed dame from earlier! I know!

But I blink and the skinny, female human is standing where she was. And then I look at her eyes. HER EYES ARE THE SAME AS THAT DAME. Yeah.

WHAT THE F-

-8-

A flash of pink and the little girl was gone. "Kitty" licked her lips and scanned all of their horrified faces. "Next?" she said, eyeing Sten.

Samahl hissed, "Halam sahlin!" and they all took up arms. Morrigan morphed once more into a bear, attacking her head on. Samahl and Sten flanked while Leliana pelted her with arrows.

It was a quick battle. The shades she had summoned retreated through the broken barrier.

Sten noted the orange feline running away frantically. He said nothing but expected Leliana to comment. He looked to her. No, she didn't see it nor would she have commented. She and Samahl were closing Amalia's eyes. He chastised his vanity and acknowledged their honorable actions.

-9-

That was the craziest day of my life. I headed Northeast until I got to a big lake.

Along the way, I saw more of those dead-looking things coming up from the ground. Some funky-looking wolves and bears. None of them could turn into cats though. And they all STANK. After a while, I saw a guy shoot lightening from his fingers too. Took out some of those things so I figured he must be alright.

Oh, that smell I couldn't place? That was it. Magic. That knot-furred giant was NOT a magician. Or, at least, he's a normal one and the sparkle-fingered guy I'm following is a real one.

-10-

Samahl shooed the dogs off and retrieved the frightened cat from the crack in the wall. "Atisha, Da" she said to the cat. She petted the shaking feline when an idea struck her. "Anders?" she called, "Got any dried mackerel?"

"What?" he asked, crossing the Keep's courtyard.

"Or some twine?"

"I've got both actually." He paused and said, "Why? What do you have in mind?", waggling his brows.

She gave him the "never in a million" look and handed the cat over without a word.

"For me?"

"For someone with the old gift, you sure are thick." She tugged on his earring and elbowed his ribs as she passed him.

"Don't listen to her, kitty. You know, mages created mabari hounds. Maybe I could make you just as smart as those stupid dogs."

"Meow!"

"I think I'll name you...Ser Pounce-a-lot! What do you think of your name, Ser Pounce-a-lot? Do you think it's appropriate?"

"Meow!"

-X-


End file.
